Saturday again...it seems that Saturday has become my day to read blogs, and to blog a bit myself. (even though I know that I am mostly writing to myself because no one else reads this) My last day at hospice was Wednesday...a very bittersweet day, indeed. Turns out I have touched many lives there,(by the grace of God) and I was blessed with wonderful notes and cards, and by being taken out for yummy lunch and dinner! I was the last one to leave the office that night, and it seemed fitting that way...and no one else could see my tears, which was good. I loved my work there...I made such wonderful connections with many wonderful people. Entering into the sacred journey of approaching death is a true gift...I knew I was often on holy ground. It is a situation that lends itself to an acceleration of the "normal" getting to know someone...time is surreal and connections are focused and strong most of the time. I already miss the people I worked with, but the company just suffered too much mis-management and also suffered from the cuts in Medicare funding, so I know it was the right thing to go now, when my job was mostly eliminated(I could've stayed on part-time for now, but I need a full-time job with health insurance, since I am the "provider" for my family).

Saturday again! And yes, here I am with my laptop on my lap (literally), my cat/"familiar" sleeping on the bed next to me, and visions of a sermon dancing in my head! Well, not exactly. I am still tired and not in a "good place" within myself...and...I am getting increasingly sure that my time at this particular church is coming to a close. I used to wonder how I would know when it was time to move on...how does a pastor know...and now it seems that the answer to that is--you "just know". I am praying about it and "sitting" with it for now....I do not want my resigning to be just because I am way tired of working 2 jobs, or to be a "knee-jerk" reaction to what I know is the (mostly silent) disapproval of a big part of the congregation to the sermon last Sunday. Well, more on that whole thing later. Now, to tomorrow's sermon...

Another Saturday with hours of sermon prep ahead...and I feel much worse than I usually do on Saturday. It was a very rough week at work...the saying good-bye to people I have come to love over these 3 years...but, on a deeper level, the loss of the work that we did there. In-patient hospice care is greatly needed, and yet, Medicare and the powers that be don't want to cover it...turns out that according to Medicare, being "actively dying" is not a reason to be in a in-patient unit!!! Assholes! Of course, in the case of the particular hospice I worked for, there were also many layers of corporate bs and mis-management that led to this place. Argggh!
And then there's me...I have not coped particularly well this week...eating junk and using other unhealthy ways to deal with the stress...great...when will I ever learn??? Right now, I think maybe never. It's probably a good thing that no one actually reads this blog...how depressing...and I really don't like to be someone who whines about their life...and yet, here I am, whining...I am sooooo tired. I really need a break, but know that it is not going to happen, so I really need to figure out how to have balance in the midst of working in very stressful situations without ever having a day off. And being gone from home and on the road 12 hours a day...right now I am one of those people who is living a life of "quiet desparation"...God help me, please.