Saturday again...it seems that Saturday has become my day to read blogs, and to blog a bit myself. (even though I know that I am mostly writing to myself because no one else reads this) My last day at hospice was Wednesday...a very bittersweet day, indeed. Turns out I have touched many lives there,(by the grace of God) and I was blessed with wonderful notes and cards, and by being taken out for yummy lunch and dinner! I was the last one to leave the office that night, and it seemed fitting that way...and no one else could see my tears, which was good. I loved my work there...I made such wonderful connections with many wonderful people. Entering into the sacred journey of approaching death is a true gift...I knew I was often on holy ground. It is a situation that lends itself to an acceleration of the "normal" getting to know someone...time is surreal and connections are focused and strong most of the time. I already miss the people I worked with, but the company just suffered too much mis-management and also suffered from the cuts in Medicare funding, so I know it was the right thing to go now, when my job was mostly eliminated(I could've stayed on part-time for now, but I need a full-time job with health insurance, since I am the "provider" for my family).

Saturday again! And yes, here I am with my laptop on my lap (literally), my cat/"familiar" sleeping on the bed next to me, and visions of a sermon dancing in my head! Well, not exactly. I am still tired and not in a "good place" within myself...and...I am getting increasingly sure that my time at this particular church is coming to a close. I used to wonder how I would know when it was time to move on...how does a pastor know...and now it seems that the answer to that is--you "just know". I am praying about it and "sitting" with it for now....I do not want my resigning to be just because I am way tired of working 2 jobs, or to be a "knee-jerk" reaction to what I know is the (mostly silent) disapproval of a big part of the congregation to the sermon last Sunday. Well, more on that whole thing later. Now, to tomorrow's sermon...

Another Saturday with hours of sermon prep ahead...and I feel much worse than I usually do on Saturday. It was a very rough week at work...the saying good-bye to people I have come to love over these 3 years...but, on a deeper level, the loss of the work that we did there. In-patient hospice care is greatly needed, and yet, Medicare and the powers that be don't want to cover it...turns out that according to Medicare, being "actively dying" is not a reason to be in a in-patient unit!!! Assholes! Of course, in the case of the particular hospice I worked for, there were also many layers of corporate bs and mis-management that led to this place. Argggh!
And then there's me...I have not coped particularly well this week...eating junk and using other unhealthy ways to deal with the stress...great...when will I ever learn??? Right now, I think maybe never. It's probably a good thing that no one actually reads this blog...how depressing...and I really don't like to be someone who whines about their life...and yet, here I am, whining...I am sooooo tired. I really need a break, but know that it is not going to happen, so I really need to figure out how to have balance in the midst of working in very stressful situations without ever having a day off. And being gone from home and on the road 12 hours a day...right now I am one of those people who is living a life of "quiet desparation"...God help me, please.

The big question about my job has been taken out of my hands, so to speak...the place that is my full-time job is closing...and my spouse has still not found a job. So, we join the ranks of so many un-employed. Well, I still have my part-time job, but that pays very little and has no benefits. Hmmm. I still trust God and love God and know that there is a way this will all work out...just don't know how right now.

I saw something this afternoon that lifted my spirits...I was on my commute home from work...(same drive I do every day twice a day) and a dog crossed the road in front of me, and right behind her was her puppy. Of course, the puppy got scared and froze, and since there was a car coming the other way, I thought, OMG the puppy is going to get hit. (this is a southern, rural area...two lane country roads...mostly people don't stop for animals...other than me, and I stop for everything and even get out of the car and move turtles to safety)...anyway, the car coming the other way stops suddenly...doesn't even pull off the road, and a woman jumps out and rescues the puppy. I couldn't stop to see what else happened, or to thank her for what she did, cuz the pick-up behind me was impatient, but I said a prayer of thanksgiving for that woman. It did my heart such good to witness somone else caring about the "4-legged least of these"...thanks be to God.

Here I am, blogging 2 days in a row! Maybe I will get more consistent about this...or not. I still don't know how to do all those cool things like posting photos etc...maybe someday. Today's sermon was good...not as good, to me, as the last 2 Sundays, but good. The HS showed up and once again took my tired, feeble efforts and made something good of them. Lunch at the tea room with Dad and Southern Belle, and then a somewhat restful afternoon. Worked for awhile on next week's sermon/worship service and other church stuff, and then tomorrow, back at it at the hospice. I am praying for God's guidance about a job...I think the change is coming sooner rather than later...just which change is the right one? Hopefully, one that pays better and is closer to home. :-) Well, off to watch my current "guilty pleasure" True Blood. I know, I know...it's bad, but oh so fun.

Another Saturday...another sermon. What a strange, mixed blessing this call to preach is...I always want to quit on Saturday and then Sunday comes, the Holy Spirit shows up(thanks be) and it all seems right and good. But then, invariably, by about Wed., I am back to not being able to even imagine myself as a minister/preacher...who is that woman who gets up on Sunday and leads worship and preaches???? Certainly, not me! Ah well...today I am determined to be done with all this early enough to have a relaxing evening with my husband. I recognize that part of why I am usually still working at midnight on Saturday is because I am, on some level, still resisting this job, and am procrastinating about putting words on the page because, of course, nothing I write will be good enough...even though that goes against everything I believe about God, Grace, and how I am able to do anything even remotely good. It is only through Christ that I do anything...so why do I play these crazy games with myself???

On a humorous note, this past week I had the spouses of two of my hospice patients (I did their funerals) come to see me and ask me to do their funerals "when the time comes". Of course, I said I would be honored, and I would, it is a sacred honor. Here's the funny part, though, the one woman said "I want you to do my funeral, so I will look you up when I'm gone." "Gosh", I thought to myself, "I hope not cuz that would scare the crap out of me!"
Well, time to get back to sermonating.

A bit of unexpected grace last evening...because of a friends generosity, I got to see the movie "Julie and Julia"...I can't remember the last time I saw a movie in a movie theatre, but I know it has been over 2 years. First observation, as I waited for my friend and co-workers to get to the theatre, was: "Oh, is this what people do on Friday night?" It was a bit surreal, in a way, watching folks many of whom looked like they were ending up their work-week and beginning their week-end, smiling and laughing and being together. My life is so solitary in so many ways...oh, I am with people most of the time, but in the role of chaplain, pastor, preacher etc. Let me say here, I am NOT saying "oh, poor me". I am very grateful for the work God has given me to do...I'm just tired right now and knowing that I have to find a way to have a bit of balance in my life.
So, the movie was great fun! There was lots of laughter and good food and romance, and well, yes, sex...but not explicitly shown...not at all, but the passion that Julia and Julie shared both for food and for their husbands was wonderfully conveyed. And, of course, Meryl Streep did a great job...actually, all the main characters were well acted. The movie got me to thinking about many things, (like food and sex) one of which was blogging. I am still very inconsistent with blogging...for many reasons...lack of time and brain energy high on the list, but also, the whole idea of why write a blog...I have not told anyone I even have a blog, so no one reads this...but would I even want people I know to read it...probably not...or at least I would be very uncomfortable with it, I think. Then there is the whole "me" thing...all about me...me,me,me...this was brought out in the movie at one point, as well...how blogging can maybe become somewhat narcissistic(probably not spelled right)...so...
Anyway, speaking of husbands and food, my sweetie has made us a brunch of whole grain pancakes with fresh blueberries, so I am going to enjoy!

Crossroads...again! I definitely feel that God is calling...or maybe just nudging me in a different direction, although I really don't know what...
---I am considering "applying" for a full-time church ministry job which would allow me to only work one job because I think it pays well enough that I could support my family
---I am also considering returning to a type of work I did before...it is something that I love, and something that pays well...more than most church pastor jobs...and has more job security...although, is any job really secure these days?
What I do know is that I cannot...or I need to choose not, to continue to work 7-days a week at two jobs...both of which are intense and stressful most of the time. I have recently learned that I have a tumor growing in an adrenal gland and another in a kidney...I am getting diagnostic testing to decide what needs to be done...although it has taken 2 months to get in to see specialists...and I have insurance!!! The healthcare system in this country is soooo broken. If I have to have surgery...well, all of the above will be put on hold, since it will not be an opportune time to change jobs...not fair to me or to a future employer.
I am praying for God's guidance...sometimes I wish God sent telegrams!
Meanwhile, it is another Friday night and I am trying to work on liturgy and sermon for Sunday...I am on-call this week-end and I already know that I have to work tomorrow. That is the type of thing I'm referring to when I say I can't keep doing this much longer. I really don't have balance in my life...and having balance is something I encourage others to do all the time as a part of "good self care"...ah, practice what you preach!

Things to do instead of writing a sermon...
---read blogs
---play solitare
---play with my new puppy(probably my favorite thing today)
---watch the birds
---housework??? maybe a little
---sleep
---sleep
---sleep
Every Saturday I end up asking myself why I continue to do this...especially since I have another full-time job that is very stressful these days. Well, there is that whole God thing...the One who called me to this in the first place, the One who enabled me to get through seminary, the One who continues to sustain me...
And again I get around to only being able to say "Thanks be to God" (even though I am still very tired and tired of spending every Saturday writing a sermon)

Sermon on 2 Kings 5:1-14, Mark 1:40-45

6th Sunday Ordinary Time---B

Important people expect to be treated with deference and respect. Think about the leading stars of stage or screen, or powerful politicians, or the CEO's of large companies...and think about how they expect to be treated. You wouldn't find them, for instance, staying at Motel 6 and eating at McDonalds. No...they go to expensive hotels and restaurants and they expect personalized service...they expect that their every wish will be immediately granted. Important people have luxurious, private boxes built for them at sports stadiums, they have limosines and private jets, and personal assistants(whatever they are). And should you meet one of these important people, well, you don't greet them like you would other people...these prestigious and "beautiful" people expect that they are owed deference, because they are so great, and they look for the acknowlegement of that from all around them.

And so it is with Namaan in our Old Testament lesson for this morning. He was a very important person, a VIP. Namaan was the commander of the army of Syria, who had won many battles against Israel, the country to their South, in the 9th century BC. As a result, Namaan had many servants who waited on him and his family, and provided for their every need. And, he was highly favored by the king of Syria, to whom he had free access. Namaan apparently had only one problem, and it was a big one...he had leprosy...or some other equally disfiguring skin disease. In the Bible, the word used for leprosy can mean many different types of skin diseases. Whatever the skin disease was, we can be sure that it was disfiguring, and seemingly incurable. Usually people with such diseases were banished from their community, to avoid infecting someone else, and because in ancient times, disease was very often thought to be a result of sin, or some kind of curse. Naaman was not banished, though...he was very important, and he was very rich. Namaan's wife heard, from her young Israelite slave-girl, that the prophet Elisha, in Israel, could heal leprosy. When Namaan heard about this, and told the king, the Syrian king wrote a letter to the king of Israel, sent a huge gift, and asked that Namaan be cured. Well, the king of Israel thought it was all a plot, of course, so that Namaan could sneak back into the country and win another military victory...but Elisha heard about it and asked that Namaan come to him.

And so Namaan went, with his entourage, and he arrived at Elisha's amidst a cloud of dust with his horses and his chariots and his servants, and no doubt with great flourish...and no doubt expecting the prophet to show him proper deference and respect for the important man that he was. Namaan probably also expected that Elisha would cure him using great ceremony, intoning special prayers to the God of Israel. Well, Elisha didn't even pay him the courtesy of greeting him and inviting him in. Instead, Elisha sent out a servant with the message that Namaan should go and wash himself seven times in the Jordan River. Namaan was, not surprisingly, humiliated and furious! How dare Elisha give such trivial and simple instructions??!!? Namaan came to have something done to him...to be cured...not to be told to go do something...especially not something like go and bath seven times in the dirty, disgusting, muddy Jordan River! Well, once again a humble servant has wisdom that a great man does not have, and at the urging of his servant, Namaan went to the river Jordan, no doubt feeling stripped of his pride as he stripped off his clothes...and he bathed in the river 7 times, and he was made clean.

Namaan had to find his way beyond and through his pride and his haughtiness to get his healing...and sometimes, so do we. What kinds of things do we need to be healed of...and what does it mean to be cleansed by God? Whatever your individual answer to that question may be, there are some things that we all need to do...for instance, we need to give up our sense of our own self-importance, and we have to give up our illusion that we are entirely in control...and our need to be in control.

The leper in the Gospel of Mark had no illusion of control...he was certainly very poor and powerless, no doubt he had been banished from his home and community because of his disease. And, in the culture of first century Jews, community was everything. Also, at that time, lepers were responsible for maintaining their own ostracism from society in general, and from specific contact with anyone. And yet, that leper had the boldness, the courage, perhaps the desparation, to approach Jesus. And when he did, the most remarkable thing happened...Jesus reached out and touched him, and he was healed! Imagine how long it had probably been since that man had been touched...for anyone to touch him would have made them ritually unclean under Jewish law. And yet, Jesus, a very devout Jew, touched him with pity and with compassion, and healed him. To put that into context, imagine you are in a large city, and you come across a homeless person, known to have AIDS. This person is also filthy dirty, malnourished and stinky, with running sores all over his body...would you be willing to reach out and touch him in pity and compassion? Here's something even more difficult to imagine...if you were the homeless person with AIDS, would you risk scorn and rejection...would you ask to be touched...would you ask to be healed???? I think many of us would answer "no" to both questions. And yet, both of these stories, the story of Namaan and of the leper, these stories tell us that God is a God of mercy and compassion....the God who suffers with us. (the word compassion comes from the Latin meaning "suffer with")

These stories also tell us that God desires that all of his creation be made whole...for that is what healing is really all about...being made whole. God does not discriminate between rich and poor, between the beautiful people and the outcasts...God even wants the lepers among us, the most outcast of the outcasts, and the commander of foreign forces that have waged war on God's people (even our enemies) God wants them all to be healed...to be made whole. God wants good for all of his creation, and Jesus came to that all may have abundant life. God is above all a God of love, who wills for us the blessed fruits of his love. The abundance of that love is shown to us by the grace that God heaps upon us all---by the beauty of the natural world around us, by the sun he makes to rise on the evil and the good...by the rain he sends on the just and the unjust...

Knowing this about God can be tough, I suppose...knowing that "our" God wants such healing and abundant life for those we consider to be practically worthless sinners, or our enemies...and yet that is what these texts tell us. And, dear ones, this is the Good News...God wants that for all of you, as well...even, especially, when you fear you are too unclean in some way or another...God calls you to him, God reaches out and touches you with pity and compassion, and God says: My beloved child, you are made clean...you are made new...you are made whole in me.

In the name of the Father,and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.