Saturday again...it seems that Saturday has become my day to read blogs, and to blog a bit myself. (even though I know that I am mostly writing to myself because no one else reads this) My last day at hospice was Wednesday...a very bittersweet day, indeed. Turns out I have touched many lives there,(by the grace of God) and I was blessed with wonderful notes and cards, and by being taken out for yummy lunch and dinner! I was the last one to leave the office that night, and it seemed fitting that way...and no one else could see my tears, which was good. I loved my work there...I made such wonderful connections with many wonderful people. Entering into the sacred journey of approaching death is a true gift...I knew I was often on holy ground. It is a situation that lends itself to an acceleration of the "normal" getting to know someone...time is surreal and connections are focused and strong most of the time. I already miss the people I worked with, but the company just suffered too much mis-management and also suffered from the cuts in Medicare funding, so I know it was the right thing to go now, when my job was mostly eliminated(I could've stayed on part-time for now, but I need a full-time job with health insurance, since I am the "provider" for my family).

Saturday again! And yes, here I am with my laptop on my lap (literally), my cat/"familiar" sleeping on the bed next to me, and visions of a sermon dancing in my head! Well, not exactly. I am still tired and not in a "good place" within myself...and...I am getting increasingly sure that my time at this particular church is coming to a close. I used to wonder how I would know when it was time to move on...how does a pastor know...and now it seems that the answer to that is--you "just know". I am praying about it and "sitting" with it for now....I do not want my resigning to be just because I am way tired of working 2 jobs, or to be a "knee-jerk" reaction to what I know is the (mostly silent) disapproval of a big part of the congregation to the sermon last Sunday. Well, more on that whole thing later. Now, to tomorrow's sermon...

Another Saturday with hours of sermon prep ahead...and I feel much worse than I usually do on Saturday. It was a very rough week at work...the saying good-bye to people I have come to love over these 3 years...but, on a deeper level, the loss of the work that we did there. In-patient hospice care is greatly needed, and yet, Medicare and the powers that be don't want to cover it...turns out that according to Medicare, being "actively dying" is not a reason to be in a in-patient unit!!! Assholes! Of course, in the case of the particular hospice I worked for, there were also many layers of corporate bs and mis-management that led to this place. Argggh!
And then there's me...I have not coped particularly well this week...eating junk and using other unhealthy ways to deal with the stress...great...when will I ever learn??? Right now, I think maybe never. It's probably a good thing that no one actually reads this blog...how depressing...and I really don't like to be someone who whines about their life...and yet, here I am, whining...I am sooooo tired. I really need a break, but know that it is not going to happen, so I really need to figure out how to have balance in the midst of working in very stressful situations without ever having a day off. And being gone from home and on the road 12 hours a day...right now I am one of those people who is living a life of "quiet desparation"...God help me, please.

The big question about my job has been taken out of my hands, so to speak...the place that is my full-time job is closing...and my spouse has still not found a job. So, we join the ranks of so many un-employed. Well, I still have my part-time job, but that pays very little and has no benefits. Hmmm. I still trust God and love God and know that there is a way this will all work out...just don't know how right now.

I saw something this afternoon that lifted my spirits...I was on my commute home from work...(same drive I do every day twice a day) and a dog crossed the road in front of me, and right behind her was her puppy. Of course, the puppy got scared and froze, and since there was a car coming the other way, I thought, OMG the puppy is going to get hit. (this is a southern, rural area...two lane country roads...mostly people don't stop for animals...other than me, and I stop for everything and even get out of the car and move turtles to safety)...anyway, the car coming the other way stops suddenly...doesn't even pull off the road, and a woman jumps out and rescues the puppy. I couldn't stop to see what else happened, or to thank her for what she did, cuz the pick-up behind me was impatient, but I said a prayer of thanksgiving for that woman. It did my heart such good to witness somone else caring about the "4-legged least of these"...thanks be to God.

Here I am, blogging 2 days in a row! Maybe I will get more consistent about this...or not. I still don't know how to do all those cool things like posting photos etc...maybe someday. Today's sermon was good...not as good, to me, as the last 2 Sundays, but good. The HS showed up and once again took my tired, feeble efforts and made something good of them. Lunch at the tea room with Dad and Southern Belle, and then a somewhat restful afternoon. Worked for awhile on next week's sermon/worship service and other church stuff, and then tomorrow, back at it at the hospice. I am praying for God's guidance about a job...I think the change is coming sooner rather than later...just which change is the right one? Hopefully, one that pays better and is closer to home. :-) Well, off to watch my current "guilty pleasure" True Blood. I know, I know...it's bad, but oh so fun.

Another Saturday...another sermon. What a strange, mixed blessing this call to preach is...I always want to quit on Saturday and then Sunday comes, the Holy Spirit shows up(thanks be) and it all seems right and good. But then, invariably, by about Wed., I am back to not being able to even imagine myself as a minister/preacher...who is that woman who gets up on Sunday and leads worship and preaches???? Certainly, not me! Ah well...today I am determined to be done with all this early enough to have a relaxing evening with my husband. I recognize that part of why I am usually still working at midnight on Saturday is because I am, on some level, still resisting this job, and am procrastinating about putting words on the page because, of course, nothing I write will be good enough...even though that goes against everything I believe about God, Grace, and how I am able to do anything even remotely good. It is only through Christ that I do anything...so why do I play these crazy games with myself???

On a humorous note, this past week I had the spouses of two of my hospice patients (I did their funerals) come to see me and ask me to do their funerals "when the time comes". Of course, I said I would be honored, and I would, it is a sacred honor. Here's the funny part, though, the one woman said "I want you to do my funeral, so I will look you up when I'm gone." "Gosh", I thought to myself, "I hope not cuz that would scare the crap out of me!"
Well, time to get back to sermonating.