Adventures in living alone...well, alone as far as other 2-legged companions...there are. of course, the 4 cats, 5 dogs, 1 horse, and 7 kittens...not to mention the 2 feral mama's and one other kitten (Ziggy) that has continued to elude capture that live outside and I feed and water etc. My husband is up staying with daughter Dr. Dolittle, to help her recover from a variety of problems and finally finish school. She's been in school for many, many years and worked very hard, and is now within 2 months of being done with her doctorate, and for a variety of reasons I don't understand, seems to have hit a wall. Sometimes I wonder about that whole Old Testament thing about the "...sins of the father (or mother) being visited upon the children..." of course, that could just be my guilt and tendancy toward "over-responsibility" talking. Actually, like so many other things that have plagued me for years, I no longer care where the issue came from or why it still exists...I just want to transcend it. I believe in the transformative power of Jesus Christ, and I claim that for myself and my family. Meanwhile, here I am trying to do everything hubby did as well as everything I need to do, and of course, I semi-suck at it, But it's ok...or will be ok...

It's Friday night...a week since I last blogged...a week back at work (hospice---didn't take time off from church job last week) anyway, I am tired...bone deep weary pooped...and now I have to put the whole church thing into high gear. I know that it is the right thing for me to continue serving the church, for lots of reasons...practical ones like supporting my family, and spiritual ones, like it is what God has called me to do. But, I am tired of working 7 days a week. Additionally, there has been a great deal of added stress this week from Dr. Doolittle child-o-mine. I agonize over how to help her...can I even help her??? I pray for her alot...all the time...and am sending her Dad up to stay with her for awhile...which means I will be on my own with my 2 jobs and way too many animals to care for, and my 110 mile a day minimum commute which means I am gone from home over 12 hours a day. Ok...enough whining. This whole blogging thing continues to be very strange to me..and I suspect that I am essentially writing to myself..and maybe God...as I am fairly certain no one else ever reads this blog...which I guess is ok. I have to admit, though, that I think I would like to connect with others through blogging...just don't really know how to do that. I guess it will happen at some point...or not...meanwhile, I will keep at it...if for no other reason than I made a commitment to myself that I would.

It is the 4th of July, a day of celebration and parties and fireworks...and me...well, I am currently still in my jammies, working on a sermon for Sunday, surrounded by some of the dogs and cats I share my life with...and I like it. I am an introvert..too much of a one, I think, but I don't know what to do about it. I've always had introvert tendancies, but after a significant health event many years ago, am definitely an introvert. I've reached the age in life where I'm more into accepting myself as I am than struggling to change the things that don't really matter...but...there are times when being a bit more extroverted would come in quite handy. I am a pastor, after all...I am supposed to reach out to and engage people...ah well. As for my 4th, well, grilled hot dogs and homemade German potato salad and blueberry cobbler on the menu, sermon writing and cleaning out a closet or 2 on the work end of things, and then trying to keep the dogs and the horse semi-calm when the neighborhood redneck types start in with the fireworks. The best thing about the day, though, is not having to drive the 55 mile one way commute to my hospice chaplain job, and getting to just "be" with my family, both "2-legged" and "4-legged". Thank you God for days off.

I went to my friend's funeral last Saturday morning, and I learned a few things about him...like, he was not "socially awkward" in his call to the church and community that he served...it made me think. He was, it seemed, out of place at seminary, but then, so was I...very much so, in fact. So much so that at the funeral, only one of the 3 folks I saw from seminary even acknowleged me.(yes, I smiled at and acknowleged them) I really do try to avoid "obsessive naval gazing" yet, the experience did bring a flood of memories...none of them pleasant...about my time in seminary. I went to seminary because God called me to go...I went out of obedience. I did not fit in there....and the longer I was there, the more apparent this became. So what? one might ask...so what, indeed. God has called me to 2 jobs that seem to be a good "fit" for me. I am, as best I can tell, respected and am able to minister to people in a way that is meaningful for them...some folks probably would even say they "like" me. How quickly, though, do those painful memories of the recent past(and that are tied to many memories of the more distant past) come slithering and screeching out of their hiding places to torment me yet again. It is only by the grace of God that I am able to re-gain my center...although, admittedly, there is much to learn and process from all this, I think. I do so only as it serves to further my ability to serve God by serving his people...not to indulge in sorry self pity and obsessive naval gazing. May God have mercy on me.